Friday, 16 May 2014

not just overcoming


An attempt to let it out of my system, I am growing tired of cab drivers trying to harass me. written after an incident that happened couple of days ago.

I can’t feel, as if all my senses have been cut off

I am here but at the same time I am not.

I put effort to remember how good it felt to be touched, to be loved, but I can’t remember

I focus on the movement on my skin, on the texture, on the sound, but I am still not here, where am I?
I have the urge to harm myself to feel anything but I don't.
I think hard of the reasons, why am I shutting down?

Maybe I am too afraid to feel, because I am worried if I open that closet where I am hiding these feelings, they would fall on me and smother me and I won’t be able to breathe.

I am tired of dealing with it.

A voice in me asks me to speak; I try to connect what is happening with the other, tie the rope, so we won’t be disconnected, but my body fails me, my mind shuts down, I want to talk but I forgot how to speak.

I type, it is easier to type the letters and as I type, I gently open the door.

The anger, because that asshole is taking something good away from me, because would that asshole be less of an asshole if he knew what he made feel? I bet he would have thought twice before attempting to touch me.

Angry because my body is mine and mine only and I get to choose with whom to share it and no one, not one single soul could touch it in a way that I don’t want or like.

The anger because I was doing okay, I was overcoming it and I was so damn proud that I forgot that it is not only the past that I am overcoming.

I am overcoming the past, the present and I should learn how to overcome the future.

My body will keep on being invaded and every time someone invade my space, it will not only trigger, but it will create another wound that I have to heal.

How many wound can a body bear before collapsing, before it loses its ability to heal and move on?

I wanted to scream, Fine I get it, I got my share of this bullshit, can it stop now?

No, it won’t stop now.

It won’t stop because I am not destroying it, because all the energy that I am putting and others are putting seems to be more focused on how to protect myself when it happens and prevent it instead of focusing on destroying the structure of the system leading to this.

My body is sick but I will fight you till the last breath.

I will fight not only to destroy, I will fight and put all I have, even though it sucks that my energy should be invested in overcoming, but I hope that I will put so much energy in overcoming that I would end up not just overcoming but also building extraordinary things over it, beautiful valuable worthy things.

You will not take my ability to love, you might take my life but my love will remain fierce.