Wednesday, 4 December 2013

What do you want to be

In this world, you are constantly pressured to be something, but I don't want to be anything.
I don't want diplomas or high positions or to become rich, I don’t want to even be considered “something”.
I keep waking up in the middle of the night asking myself "what am I going to do with my life?"
I find the idea that I could always kill myself, soothing (not so healthy, I know).
but I chose to live, and even if I end up as a disappointment to everyone, I will be true to myself, even if it meant that I will end up poor or hated by majority, I want the simple life and I want the struggle, so I can learn how to create an alternative and use different tactics from the ones used today to fight.
I want to create a space for people like me, a place to run to, and attempt to empower them and support them.
We are a minority but our strength would come from our love and union and knowledge.
We are desperate, desperate to live, in a system that was created in a way to limit us and suffocate us and make it harder for us to rebel against it.
Nour merheb said that real freedom is only attained through the state of not being. Lately I understood his words better than ever, but I want to keep on trying Nour, even if I never attain it, I will keep on trying to break free from these chains.

Monday, 25 November 2013

A house VS a home

From a young age, I differentiated between a “house” and a “home”.

As a child the house was another battlefield, at certain points, I felt safer and more comfortable outside the house than I did inside.

I accepted the fact that I lacked what I viewed as essential, the feeling of safety.

A house is made by walls and a ceiling, a home was more psychological.

A home should provide people a place to rest, a shelter to allow us to be vulnerable, to take down our walls, to feel accepted, more or less understood, to feel loved.

Furthermore, a home is a place where you feel a sense of belonging and connection.

The world is already a battlefield, opposing our attempts to be. For our growth, mental and emotional stability, we require a room to heal and to rest and to take a break from fighting to recharge.

All we need at times is a home, which doesn’t have to be found between four walls, it could be found anywhere and with anyone.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013


My eyelids feel heavy
Waking up to the sounds of the city
I try to pull my body out of bed
But my body collapses instead
A new day has been marked by the sun
Things are easier said than done
So I close the curtain.
I fall back
Into black
To track
The source of the burden
An attempt to crack
The code
And give myself a slack
To note
But my thoughts are still uncertain
Stop it
Drop it

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

الى طرابلس

في عالم عم تقاوم بالأغاني والرسم على الجدران والكتابة والنقاشات والحب.
ان احرقوها، اشعلت بلهبها نوراً للآخرين
ان اسكتوها، تقود بجسمها رقصات للتعبير
ان كبّلوها، تغمض أعينها وتصبر
فهي حرّة بالعقل والخيال والارادة
العالم ينهار وهي حافية كي لا تنسى ملمس الأرض
العالم ينهار وهي تغسل وجهها بدموعها
كي ترتدي البسمة على وجهٍ طاهر
هذه عالم تسقط بوجهها المقاومة الدينية والطائفية والعنصرية والمتعصبة
عالم تقاوم يلا امتيازات وتمييز
مقاومة للجميع

No to giving birth

Why I would not want to give birth?
I love babies. I find them heartwarming, full of wonder and curiosity, innocent and manipulative at the same time.

Photo by Nath Halawani
There is something so awfully warm about baby's clothes.
It reminds me how fragile and vulnerable and innocent they are.
Here they are, started the discovery in a womb and they will carry it as they grow.

the formation of whatever they will be, a fanatic, a dedicated teacher, a parent, an aggressive destructive person, a rebel, a submissive person...
I also feel so motherly towards most of my friends, I have the urge to nurture them and protect them and be harsh when I have to be.
I have always wondered what it would feel like to have a life form in you and go through the process of pregnancy and child birth.
It is worth it.
To have that bond and feel the experience of pregnancy and giving birth, is not enough of a reason to bring a child to this world though.
My purpose in life is not to reproduce because my body has the capacity to do so.
Just because you can reproduce it doesn't mean you should, it is a privilege abused nowadays.
The path that I see for my life would be full of sacrifices and danger, that I will doubt that I will be able to live it with a child and be responsible for another life.
And in case I was able to maintain a balance and be able to provide a good environment to raise a child, I would rather adopt than give birth.
Why would I bring a child to this world when there are many homeless children or orphans, just so I would experience pregnancy?  
Let us not forget the overpopulation and another selfish reason that I wouldn’t stand to bring a child to such a cruel world.
Being a mother is not giving birth, neither carrying that child in your womb for months.
Why would I love a child less because I didn’t give birth to him/her?
I am repeating myself, but my opinion mainly stands as in:
I don’t think I have to be a mother just because I can.
I don’t think being a mother is related to giving birth.
I would rather be a mother to child already brought here without having a choice in it.
It takes a lot to raise a child, more than people are aware.
It is a huge responsibility, knowing you can fuck up someone’s life that you created, and watch them struggle through it.
You need financial stability (at least provide the necessity), ability to provide options for growth, emotional stability and a lot of time and patience and effort.
It is a full time forever type of commitment, without ownership or possession, the child is not yours yet you would sacrifice yourself for him/her.
 My opinion is not set in stone and I do not judge women or men who chose to have babies.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

أردت الثورة

أردت الثورة
عندما ولدت بمجتمع مغتصب
تربّيت على الصمت
انتهكني واضعاً يداه على فمي
خوفاً من أن أهرب صوتاً
اغتصب حريتي بالفكر والشّك
فعرّف عني بالكافرة
اعتدى على جسمي وقال
نحن السلطة
فأردت الثورة
على المجتمع الذي لقّبني بفاجرة
عندما اخترت ان استرجع عذريّتي
وأملك نفسي
وأثور على كل سلطة 
لمست جسمي وأفكاري بالقوّة
أردت الثورة لأستعيد نفسي

Tuesday, 10 September 2013


انشقاق ذاتي حاد
وكأن أحد دسّ المخدر بشرابي
يمكن أن أكون أفرغت كل محتواياتي من أحاسيس ومشاعر ليلة أمس
وأنا مستلقية على جنبي
أصارع لأتنفس
وكأنني أحاول رفع الثقل عن صدري
أريد أن أنام
ولكن النوم لن ينفع
فتعبي هو تعب لا يريحه النّوم
أريد أن أبتسم ولكن دموعي خدّرت وجهي
سخرية الحياة بأن تموت عندما تختار الحياة
كم أكره نظراتك عندما تراني أعاني
قلت لي سوف تكون قوياً
ولكنني أعرف انك ستتألم
أعرف انك ستشعر بالعجز
ولا أريد أن أراك تعاني
أريد الانشقاق
انشقاق من نفسي
من جسدي
من العالم
من أحلامي
انشقاق ذاتي حاد


Thursday, 5 September 2013

ما الذي يحررك؟

أعطني قبل من دون وعود
لمسات من دون قيود
أحاديثنا سلاحاً لمحاربة  تعب الحياة
غارقة بالتّوق لما هو خارج عن المألوف
أتوق للمسة
تهزّ جوهر كياني
وتنزلني على ركبي
أتوق لأن تدمّرني
من دون شفقة أو تردد
الخروج من القوقعة
من الخمول
من التخدّر
أدفع نفسي خارج نفسي
وأرقص على طبول شغفك
قل لي
ما الذي يحررك؟


Sunday, 1 September 2013

Thoughts about Violence

At times we are put in situations of violence where we are pushed to use violence in order to resist and defend ourselves and break the cycle.
People often stand up against violence not because of the act itself but because of what it causes.
In violent acts there is a force being exerted on the other.
Violent acts are often described as unjust, abusive and violating.
If the two groups involved in a conflict decide to use violence as a method, there will always be an oppressed and an oppressor. The roles might change from one to another depending on who is exerting the violence more and how.
In most of the cases, if we are fighting the system, I think the system would win considering they have the most resources and it is their main and only method to fight.  
What I am trying to say is if we are fighting not to be oppressed, why do we use tactics that would create by its nature an environment of oppression?

If you hold a weapon in the face of your enemy who is armed, the enemy might justify the violence he/she is exerting on you by accusing you of exerting violence yourself.
The person using violence is often taught to dehumanize people and you make it easier for the other person to kill you.
It is much harder when you face the person exerting violence on you as a human.
It is essential to treat the other as a human and acknowledge the other as a human.
In case of robbery or kidnap, they often advice the people to always share personal stories about their lives with the person kidnapping them, because it will make it harder for the person not to see them as humans and sympathize with them.
I also heard from a soldier that one of the reasons soldiers put glasses and hide their faces is so you won’t make eye contact with them.

I do sound Ideal most of the times but I am attempting to break a cycle that I see being repeated.
I do not judge people who use violence, I could see myself with a weapon killing someone in certain circumstances, but I think it is essential to be aware of the cycle of violence, and to keep seeking better methods, and not to fall in satisfying our anger and our desire to revenge.

I have seen that in the end, there is no winner, the oppressor and the person oppressed, will both suffer from the violence exerted on them and from the violence they exerted on others.

for further read, check the small booklet  the road to freedom by Hanibaael Naim

Thursday, 29 August 2013


كلمات فارغة
معاني غارقة
قيم ساقطة
صرخات صامتة
نزاعات دائمة
زعماء سماوية
الانغلاق أمان

الموت ديموقراطية
عدوك الآخر
انشقاق طبقي حاد
واللوم على الآخر
الفقير ارهابي
والغني استغلالي
والنظام باقي

Friday, 23 August 2013

غمرة ببلاش؟ فكرة تافهة.

فكرة الغمرة ببلاش دائماً كانت تبدو تافهة كسلاح نحارب به التقسيم والطائفية والانفجارات والحروب والتعصّب...

منذ سنة تقريباً دخلت مع مجموعة الحملات للغمرات ببلاش وغير انني كوّنت من خلالها صدقات عزيزة. في كل حملة كنّا نفعلها التركيز لم يكن على نفسي. فأنا لن أخرج الى الشارع لأغمر العالم وأشعر أفضل. انا كنت أفضّل ان أبقى مع كتابي بسلام. ما كنت أرتاح لفكرة التقرّب من أشخاص لا أعرفهم.

هذه الفكرة التافهة ضرورية

نحن نناضل كي نحسّن المجتمع ونبني مستقبل أحسن وذلك ما دفعني للدخول في المجتمع المدني ولكن في نضالنا قد ننسى أهمية الأفكار التافهة والسخيفة.

ما أجمل أن يتقرب انسان منك وأن تغمره بلا ما تعرف اسمه أو جنسيّته أو دينه أو ماضيه... ألانسان الذي يقف بوجهك مجرد انسان وفتح لك يداه ليضمك.

هل نحن بحاجة لسبب لنضم انسان من وقت الى آخر؟ هل نحن بحاجة لسبب لنحب بلا ما نطلب مقابل؟

وأجمل بما فيها هذه الغمرة التي تعطيها للآخر هي ان ما تقدمه يقدم لك بنفس الوقت. فالمحبة متشاركة.
سوف أخطط وأعمل على بدائل ولكن سوف أغمر العالم بنفس الوقت لأذكرها انها ليست بحاجة لسبب لتحب وبانها قد ترسم بسمة على وجه انسان آخر بأتفه الأفكار ولكن أغلاها وأتمنى أن أجعل انسان يرى الآخر ليس كآخر بل كانسان مثله.



Thursday, 22 August 2013

كتابي الأحمر

مرحبا, لمّا اشتريت هيذا الكتاب لم أفكر لماذا سأستعمله.

اشتريته متمنيّة أن يرجع لي حبّي للكتابة.

لونه أحمر كلون الدّم. ولكن يرمز اللّون بالنسبة لي للثورة. ألأحمر لون الثّورة.

فهل سيكون هذا الكتاب عن الثورات؟ وأيّ نوع من الثورات؟

لماذا اليوم؟ لأنني أنازع لأتنفس ودموعي بدأت تحرقني ومعدتي فرغت وخفت. خفت من أن أغرق بالحقد واليأس.

رأيت نفسي أصرخ على رفاقي... لنفعل شيء لنتحرك ورأيتهم جالسين ومنهارين.

أردت الذهاب الى سوريا لأحضن ألأولاد. فكرت بأن آخذ معي مساعدات طبية وبدأت بالتخطيط للذهاب لسوريا. علمت باحتمال موتي ولكن ما همّي؟

فالجلوس كان يقتلني. مات فييّا شيء معهم. ما نفع ألأعمال البطولية؟

لن أكون غير رقم ولن أغير شيء. حتّى لن أكون رقم بوجه آلاف الأرقام. فكرت باجتياح السفارة السورية والصراخ وأعلموني باننا ليس لدينا القدرة بالتظاهر هناك كونها قرب وزارة الدفاع وهي منطقة عسكرية. قال لي صديقي مازن بانهم سوف يقتلوننا فقلت له انني لا آبه. فقال لي "تخييلي أول 10 أشخاص من الناشطين واثنان ماتوا. ماذا ستشعرين؟ هل حققتي شيء؟"

لم أتحمل المكتب والشغل. وكيف لي؟

عندما دخل أبي ورأى وجهي سألني: "لماذا تبكين؟"

فقلت له: "بابا ألم ترى ما حصل بسوريا؟"

فقال لي: "يا بنتي هذه هي السياسة والعالم. لا تعرف الانسانية. منك وحدك زعلاني"

ذهب ثم رجع وقبّل رأسي طالباً مني أن أبقى قوية.

سأذهب غداً وأغمر ولاد خالي. سيوجعني قلبي لتخيّل وجع أم فقدت ابنها ولضياع الطفولة التي لا ذنب لها بما يحصل. منهارة كلياً ولكن أعرف ان من الرّدم سوف أصعد كعصفور الفينكس. سوف أصعد فوق الكراهية والغضب واليأس وسأحمل ألمي وأحوّله لمحبة وسبب لأكمل نضالي. أنا ما يهمّني الآن ليس من ألوم. أنا ضد كل انسان فقد انسانيته من أجل قضية. لن أحب انسان ذو قضية, سأحب انسان ذو انسانيّة.

سأحب وأحب وأحب وأموت محاولةً. هذا نضالي ولن توقفني من غير أن تقتلني.
كتابي ألأحمر
الصفحة الأولى
الصفحة الثانية 

 الغوطة الشرقية. 2013/08/21
لن أنسى.


Tuesday, 13 August 2013


Date: 6/12/2012

People behave differently. Simple, i know, but I used to expect so much from people close to me. I would expect them to give just as much as I give but I forgot the fact that "giving" is relative. For example i could show a lot of affection to someone, it is wrong for me to expect the other person to show the same amount of emotional support that i show, because maybe the effort that it takes from that person to show a tiny act of support is more than the effort that it takes me to show a lot of support.
I learned to stop seeing the surface of actions and focused on seeing the person more.
It taught me to appreciate individuals.
I want to push myself to be strong enough to accept human beings as they are and truly understand them as individuals and not how i want them to be or what i expect from them, and love them like that.

It helped me mature in a way, it helped me with my abandonment issues, for now when a person detach or chose to leave (even though it hurts), i can still manage to appreciate the person and what we shared, and thus the hurt would heal faster and less drama would happen.

Because I am eager to be accepted, because we all want to be accepted for who we are, I want people around me not to feel guilty if they felt the need to be alone, or detach or get distant. It is freaking hard when you are emotionally invested in a person because you start wondering why.
Why would that person detach emotionally or literally from me? am i not good enough?
But then you stop there. The person detaching is not about you being good enough or not, things doesn't revolve around you, it is related to that person and even if it affects you.
I never stopped asking why, but now i try to ask why with the intention to understand the other person, I stopped asking if I am good enough and started asking why do they need to be on their own, so I can understand the individual in front of me, and learn to love them more for who they are.

I am not perfect with that, my insecurities and issues are obstacles in the way, but it is nothing I can't overcome. I can see how much I improved and I know I could always improve more, the self-pity and negative thoughts might never vanish, but I could acknowledge what they are and the harm they cause. I could also try to understand my weakness and embrace it to make me more empathetic, and I yearn to love people in a different way than I see around me (without much of possessiveness and ownership).

Manwithnoname (a friend from a forum) has always repeated to me, that some people pull out and stop investing in a relationship when it starts getting draining, or when they see not much of good possibilities coming out of it. They don't vanish and it doesn't mean they don't like the person anymore, it just means that they need to pull back a little bit so they can still make something good of it while thinking of their sake and mine and the relationship itself.

Sunday, 11 August 2013

اشتقت لقبلاتك

الكتابة الصادقة تنبع من الإرهاق
 الساعة الرابعة صباحاً
 تفيض الأفكار من غير رقابة وقيود
 تتراكم العوطف فأستسلم للإعتراف
 الكأس على شفتي لاتذكر قبلاتك 
 كيف أرجعت لي حبي للنبيد؟
 شربت وقبلتني
 قبلتك فشربت 
 وطعم النبيد ما غادر فمي
 العالم تشرب لتنسى وأنا اشرب لأتذكر
 فاشتقت لقبلاتك

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Why I cut my hair

Cutting my hair wasn’t an impulsive action.
It wasn't because I was depressed (my teacher had to ask).
It wasn’t because I wanted attention (that was actually one of the reasons that made me reconsider doing it, having people stare at you is never fun).
It wasn’t to look prettier or because I hated how I looked.

I am a curious person,  I wondered what it was like to not have long hair.
I wanted to experience that, and I saw no harm in it, hair grows back.
I wanted to free myself from the attachment.
What attachment?
My father used fear as a parenting tool and he used to threaten to shave my hair while sleeping (you can imagine all the nightmares I had).
I grew attached to my hair, it belonged to me and only me, going to the hairdresser was something I dreaded. I didn’t want anyone to touch it, I didn’t want to lose it.

I knew it would have been a huge step out of my comfort zone and I wanted to experience that because I knew it would help me grow.

During that phase I saw people suffer from cancer (my uncle among them) and lose their hair.
They suffered a lot from the loss of hair.
As if all their beauty was only found in the hair.

It is not true.

You can be beautiful without it.

You can be a woman without it too.

My mum’s uncle said to me “but your long hair makes you a woman”

My short hair won’t make me any less of a woman.

Maybe society could see for once, what makes me beautiful, which is not my hair.

When I told my mother that I wanted to do it, she didn’t take me seriously first.
I asked my classmate to get a razor and the next day in the institute (23-11-2011) I grabbed a garbage bag, put it on and took my classmate to do it in some abandoned place near the institute.

My older classmate refused to let me do it first, I took her aside and we talked about it, during our talk she started crying and approved of what I wanted to do.

I didn’t expect it to affect people that much, I knew it took a lot of courage to do it, but I didn’t expect that courage to affect my classmates.

My classmates did it, somehow something went wrong but regardless, I was super happy to have shared that moment with them.

With my classmates before I cut it.

I felt prettier and more confident with shorter hair and I am no longer afraid of losing my hair :) 

Thursday, 21 March 2013

An open letter

I often wrote you letters that put you in tears, I guess that what I was often good at, words.
You taught me compassion, patience, acceptance…
You taught me to speak my opinion, be what I want to be, openness…
You sacrificed a lot for our sake, but I don’t feel an obligation to repay you.
Whatever you do, you do it because you want to and not to expect something in return.
There is no obligation.
It is mother’s day, and everyone is speaking about what they bought to their mothers.
Some are arguing about if they would buy something to the house or to her personally. How publicity use mother’s day to sell tools for the kitchen and the house, spreading more a specific role for women that I dislike.

I don’t care though now.

I am ashamed.

You called me and said: “I need you to keep on fighting and stay patient”
You have told me "If i ever get sick, I rather die than be a burden on you" (the idea that most parents feel like a burden on their kids, kills me).
I was sitting there near my aunt who was telling her daughter “I don’t revolt because I have a family to protect, by the law I can lose my kids and would not be able to be near you and I would rather bear all the pain and be near you”.

I kissed my aunt and told her I was sorry, I also kissed my grandmas and my mother and I apologized.

Do you understand?

Our mothers aren’t only facing the world and all its hardship but they are also facing the laws against them or lack of the laws.

It is not about women and men, but when a law favors a gender on another, it freaking is.

They can’t protect themselves or children, they can’t give their nationality to their kids, they can’t leave the country with the kids without a permission from the husband, and don’t forget about all the bullshit they have to endure because of all the gender related expectations and Do and don’t.

Every minister or a person with authority who stood as an obstacle to provide women their basics rights, go wish your mother a happy mother’s day.

A happy day.

I can’t, I feel ashamed.

Friday, 8 March 2013

A secular dream

On Tuesday evening, hundreds of secular-minded individuals, and myself among them, decided to protest outside Lebanon’s parliament against the Orthodox law and the latest decision to expand the parliamentary seats from 128 to 134.
The draft specifies that each sect in Lebanon should vote for its own representatives. Shia voters can only vote for Shia candidates, Sunnis for Sunnis, Maronites for Maronites, and so on.
As if the civil war was not enough to demonstrate the disadvantages of the confessional system.
As if all the years of discrimination, corruption, and being seen and judged as a sect instead of a human – in government jobs, schools, and work places – was not enough to awaken people.
Proponents of the orthodox law claim that it is intended to give minorities a voice in the elections.
What about the ones who do not want to be represented by a sect or religion?

The orthodox law does not provide the minority a voice; such laws based on confessionalism create minorities instead of abolishing it.
They create gaps between the people and emphasis on the philosophy of the “other”, classifying what is different than us as the other and most of the time classifying it as a “danger”. It brings our differences into spotlight instead of emphasizing what we have in common.
People often ask me: “ hasn't the confessional system in Lebanon always existed?”. My answer would bluntly be: “Have you heard about the appeal to tradition (a common fallacy)?" Just because it has been going on for years it doesn't mean it is right. The confessional system does nothing but create a destructive cycle, in which the authorities sow seeds of fear into the minds of the citizens, making them fear and hate the other…only to later impose suggestions like the orthodox law, which the politicians present as a source of salvation and protection (an illusion of protection), but which only intensifies sectarian division.

Setting aside the aforementioned sectarian issues, how about the cost of adding 6 new ministers?
The new MPs will cost the public an additional 5% for their salaries alone. A country such as Lebanon with a population about 4 Million would never need 134 to represent them: this is absurd.
Still here we are paying for the quantity instead of the quality.

Lebanese should be aware that when we ask to be represented as humans – as a part of the country as a whole, with a clear agenda, and with tools and laws to hold each minister accountable to his or her actions and work – we have nothing to fear.

We are already misrepresented when our screams of hunger aren’t being heard, when we have barely any decent opportunity to have a good education without sinking in loans, when we are yearning for the basic human rights, when our fantasy goes as far as having 24 hour electricity and a good healthcare system.
Eventually, If hunger and disenfranchisement don’t distinguish between one sect and another, why would you?

I don’t care about the candidate’s religion, sect, or gender… so long as this candidate will do his/her job as a minister.

Thursday, 28 February 2013

You are my courage

Courageous sounds like a heavy word, and I don’t feel that I am worthy of such a quality when the only reason that I do what I do, is because I am suffocating.
I am suffocated by the fact that we need money to remain alive, by all the corruption and fanatics, by the fact that we don’t listen or try to understand, by the fact that we are turning in circles as zombies or miserable, struggling just to eat and breathe, and not truly living. How sad it is not to live? When this is the only life we have.
I am suffocated by my desire to shake people and show them how important we are, each one of us as an individual is a great force on his/her own, you can shake the world if you only do it!
I just want to hold my mother, hold every mother, every human being like my mother… hold them and take some of their burdens away.
Hold every person rejected and wronged and harmed…
I am suffocated by their struggles.
I am suffocated by the numbness of the people and their normalization of what appears to be absurd in this country.
You are better than this, why don’t you be better?
I don’t remember where exactly but under a bridge there is a quote that says, “Courage is contagious”. It is, because it is inspiring. It breaks a cycle.
As strong as I appear, I tremble in fear every night, reconsidering if what I am doing is as good as I think it is, if it will bring me closer to my ideal and have a positive effect on most people around me.
I tremble in fear thinking about the ones that I might let down by not being good enough, and they keep me strong and courageous.
The reason that I do what I do, is you, you are my courage.
I want to be the individual that could turn this world to a better place so you could see the beauty that I saw in this world.
So I could make this place worthy of your existence, before I die.