Thursday, 29 November 2012

Balance is the key

To live a life of moderation, it doesn’t have to mean that we can’t be extreme at times, but it is about when to be and how to be and not just be extreme.

Being a logical and rational thinker is important but it is also important to be a mature feeler, to embrace the feelings, to allow the self to feel and to connect emotionally with others in a healthy way.

As a curious person, I get interested in many things and it gets hard to keep up with my curiosity at times.

  • I want to work in a job where I am constantly being challenged and learning new things. I got this opportunity in my work in the labs.
  • I want to continue my studies, do a good portfolio and get good grades this year.
  • I want to be an activist and attempt to accomplish what seemed to be impossible and still seem so. I see the world for what it is and how it could be and I chose to focus on how it could be and work on making it happen.
  • I want to keep up with my social life and with some people online that I hold dear.
  • I have so many good articles and books to read.

For the past 2 months I have been doing my best trying to balance my life in a way which allows me to accomplish all that.

But I am failing terribly.

Physically, I am suffering from constant Migraine and fatigue.
It is like my body can’t keep up and keeps letting me down (or it is the other way around).
 I am skipping classes and unable to focus at work, and I am too tired to be online and social.
 I barely read anything interesting in the past few weeks.

Something must be done, I must work on my priorities and organize (which I suck at).

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Kino's journey

Pictures from the Kino’s Journey anime, episode twelve; text from the Kino no Tabi novel, volume one.

“Since that time, our two cities have not had a single real war. They have developed, and our populations have expanded. Young mothers today need never again experience the loss I suffered. They can bring children into the world and raise them in happiness, without ever fearing that they will have to attend their children’s funerals. People die in the order in which they are born. This is the meaning of peace; this is what our country has today, Kino. And this is the end of our tour.”

The curator folded her hand at her waist and smiled. “Thank you for visiting.”

Kino said, “May I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

“What about the Tatana people you kill? Don’t they have lives and families? children as innocent and as beautiful and as full of promise as your sons?”

“I imagine they do. But there is a cost for peace. There must be some sacrifice, or true peace can never be reached. In the past, that sacrifice was my precious children. Young soldiers would fight on that hellish battlefield, and die to protect their country. But things are different now. The Tatana people are unable to fight back. Our children no longer need to die on the battlefield. This is a wonderful thing. If we did not sacrifice the Tatana, Kino, Veldeval and Relsumia would go to war with each other again, and the number of victims would be far greater than the number of Tatana who die now.”

The curator had clearly chosen each word carefully. Now she repeated, “Peace requires sacrifice. We will not allow that sacrifice to be our children. If our peace can be achieved through the death of a few Tatana, then we welcome that with open arms.”

Kino thought about this for a moment, then said, “Curator, I don’t understand your reasoning. Perhaps in the new version of war the combatants don’t die but innocents do. At least with the old way, those who died were those who fought. And their deaths were, in a way, of their own choosing. The Tatana people have not chosen to fight or die.”

The curator’s brows had drawn together in a frown, but now she smiled. She stooped slightly, put her hands on Kino’s thin shoulders, and said gently, “No, clearly you don’t understand. But when you’re a little older, you will.”
“Will I? How so?”

“When you bear your own children, Kino. When you feel that life growing inside of you… then you will know the impossibility of sentencing them to die in war. You will understand.”

The girl called Kino looked up into the face of the curator and saw another mother, her eyes wide, her hands over her mouth, as she watched her husband attacker her only daughter with a knife. That girl could never have understood or responded.

“What I understand,” said Kino, “is that it would be impossible for me to sentence anyone’s children to die in war.”

Friday, 23 November 2012

The beauty of tears, Part 2.

 After a post I made yesterday, about capturing our weakest moments, embracing them, exposing them to the outside world, to strangers, friends... A friend decided to send me a picture of him breaking down few months ago. I haven't seen him in that state before and I know how much courage it took him to do it, saying "It is about time".
and sending me this beautiful quote :)

"To begin healing, you must let yourself fall" -rumi.

Thank you for removing your mask, for everyone else to see.

I love you.

A day later, another friend sends me another picture, that i shall leave it here.

It is a bit emotional for me to see people in such a state, a part of me wish i can take their pain away but another part of me acknowledge the importance of such phases in the process of growth. It is not about having a life pain-free, it is about coping with life better.
Pain is here to tell us that something is wrong, or that something matters.

Have a voice, but not any voice.

What to do, what to do? Write.

While Pierre was walking in the Batroun sea side road, he was intercepted by 4 armed men and beating with rifle butts on his head and all over his body. He was taken unconscious and bleeding to the police station.

When his sister tried to see him and have them take him to the hospital she was brutalized herself and thrown in the street.

No reason or official explanation was given as to why this happened.

Such stories are not new, He apparently made some statements about the army before the Independence day which pissed off or made the army worried about his intentions and whatnot.

Anywho, regardless of who that person is and what that person did, I think it is scary to imagine being put in jail or mistreated for cursing an authority figure, or a group that represents an authority.

What if we all did the same, will they put us all in jail?

It gives me an urge to curse just for the sake of rebelling, but there is something stopping me.
-I rather attack the person’s acts and behavior instead of simply curse the person.
-Doing what others did just for the sake of rebelling is immature and useless.

All I know is that, there will come a time when I have to speak and my opinion might put me in dangerous positions but I will speak loudly and firmly and even if my voice was shaking and I was trembling, I will continue to speak.

Authority figures should be the ones open for the most criticism, but sadly it is the other way around in this country.
I admit that a lot of people have immature useless destructive criticism, but the more you attempt to shut it down, the more you will increase it. The only way to change the situation for the better in my opinion, is to be open to receive it and deal with it in the most mature way possible, allowing the person to have a voice and finding ways to teach him the importance of expressing that voice in a constructive matter.

My own conclusion: 
It is not about having a voice, it is also about the quality of our voice and what it has to deliver. You could turn your whole existence to a voice, and no matter how hard they might try to silence you, your voice will linger through your acts and marks and thoughts.
Sometimes your voice might scream louder through silence :) 

Thursday, 22 November 2012

The beauty of tears

I was thinking how most people (not to say all) often post pictures of their joyful moments or neutral moments to share, did anyone ever consider taking pictures of one of the most painful moments in your life, or saddest moments in your life? why not? Is it because we rather be isolated at that time? Is it because we do not want others to see us in that state, we do not want to appear vulnerable, weak? Or maybe we would be so caught up in the moment that this is the last thing we consider doing...
I will share mine with you. I like the sincerity in this one, I took it the day before yesterday when I was feeling melancholic.
I often appeared the happiest one in my surrounding, I rarely ever shared my struggles with others, or the fact that it took me a lot to drag myself out of bed, took me a lot of effort to simply eat, and breathing was even a painful task. I had my share with depression and being unable to digest and embrace emotions, something a lot of other people could relate to.
That was almost a year ago, I shared it on a public forum and I tried as best as i could be, to prepare putting myself in such a vulnerable way for display. Needless to say, The feedback was moving.

One of the replies (that picture played a big role in starting a friendship with that person).

Oh my gosh, this picture just ripped my heart out. I actually started crying when I saw it. It really reaffirms something I said in my blog a couple days ago:

But most times I feel like the best way for me to feel emotion is vicariously through other people. I feel pain for others who are experiencing pain, though I would not naturally feel pain had I been in the same situation. Matters that are personal to me rarely seem emotionally significant -- I possess this surgeon like disposition toward my own experience and try to glean significance from the activities. In doing so, I unintentionally remove myself completely from the situation and I'm left with a husk of feeling.
I hope you don't mind if I set that picture as my computer desktop background (it's only the second one I've ever had with this computer). There's something incomprehensibly beautiful and profound about melancholy to me. It makes me feel safe, or understood, or something.

Another reply:
 This is such a beautifully melancholic picture. I actually teared up, because your pain is right there for anyone to see, clear as day. The sincerity of it is almost crushing.
I think you`re far braver and stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I see no shame in crying and I never considered it as weakness, and I think that it requires a lot of courage to show yourself at phases that you might consider your weakest, it doesn't have to be for the support, or attempt to reach out, or a cry for attention, it could be simply to show yourself as a whole and as you are, without letting the fear of what might hit you back, stops you from removing your mask.

I will leave you with a poem i wrote years ago.  

Elle a pleuré comme seules les femmes peuvent le faire
Pas seulement avec les yeux, mais avec tout son être
Même en ne voyant pas mes yeux, elle a deviné leur mélancolie
Il y’a plus de dire qu’un simple “au revoir”

My mark

I dislike writing introductions.

I will write what i am thinking, what i am afraid of or hoping for, I will write as an attempt to remain sane and alive, as an attempt to help and be helped.

People talk about the importance of talking less and doing more. Acts are not that important on their own, sometimes words are as important.

This is my voice.
I will write to leave a mark.